Soap Operama

Soaps are stupid

2009-12-17T12:18:00.004-06:00

Just an interjection here between episodes.

Like most all the rest of the human race, I think soaps are so fucking stupid. The acting is most always substandard, the story lines are absurd, and they add no value to your life.

Ok, that last part is not true. And this is the only fucking reason I watch soaps. Young and the Restless and Days of Our Lives, to be specific. For whatever reason, many years ago, I came across these two soaps, and it certainly wasn’t the stellar acting or brilliant writing that drew me in. No, that’s not why I watch them.

I watch them because they’re fucking HILARIOUS.

THAT, my friends, is the value of soaps in my life. I can have the shittiest day ever, come home and watch my soaps, and laugh for two straight hours. They are not only ridiculous and oftentimes awkward, but surprisingly stress relieving and entertaining…if you like stupid stuff.

AND I DO.

So it should never be assumed that I take any of this shit seriously. Except for hating fucking Phyllis. Because that shit’s no joke.

Tuesday, December 15

2009-12-16T21:21:00.003-06:00

I fucking hate Phyllis, but more on that later.

Tuesday the big goon working for Deacon is about to beat Daniel up when Billy comes to his rescue, acting all bat shit crazy, and even licks his fist, which was a nice touch to give the impression of a lunatic. It worked and the guy retreated, while Daniel thanked Billy. Billy could seriously use a friend, because no one likes his fucking ass.

There was some more shit about Ryder but I don’t care.

Jack goes to Nick to talk to him about how to stop Sharon from dating Adam the Terrible. Nick pretends like he doesn’t care and tells Jack he’s on his own, that’s he a married man and needs to worry about his own family. YEAH RIGHT.

I’m not sure why, but I’m so team Adam, even though he’s such an evil dude. Why do I like him so much? It’s not because he’s cute, because honestly today is the first day I found him remotely attractive, but I attribute that to the stylist doing his hair different and him wearing a suit.

No, I’m not sure what it is, but I’m rooting for him. I just don’t want to see Sharon with Nick again. Nick is a piece of crap, even though he has a likeable personality, he’s an arrogant cheater complete with the biggest sense of entitlement of anyone besides his stupid dad. He deserves Phyllis and she deserves him.

Jack goes to Sharon’s to offer her a job traveling. She kicks him out, knowing that his intentions are just to keep her away from Adam.

Phyllis and Adam meet in the breakroom and exchange a few biting words. It was awesome. Phyllis was running her big fat mouth about how Adam only got his new position because he picked a fight with Nick. Adam responded that yes, she was right; Nick sure does have a violent reaction when it comes to Sharon dating other men. Phyllis nearly combusted into a pile of ashes right there on the floor.

Soon afterward, Phyllis goes to Sharon’s house to confront her about her games; dating Adam only to get Nick jealous. Of course Sharon denies this and tells her to get the fuck out of her house before she throws her ass in jail. Again.

So Phyllis gets to the office and Nick asks her where she’s been. She says a work meeting, but right then Sharon calls Nick and tells him to keep his stupid wife the fuck away from her and she means it. She tells Nick she wants them both to leave her the hell alone. He gets off the phone, asks Phyllis again where she’s been, and she lies again. Rather than call her out on it, he keeps silent, evidently with plans of his own.

Monday, December 14

2009-12-16T20:51:00.003-06:00

Jill and Tucker have decided to keep boinking despite their differences about Chancellor Industries. They are stupid enough to believe that they can keep business and pleasure separate. I would have paid more attention to what they were saying but my boyfriend kept talking about how hot she was for an old lady.

Meanwhile, Kay decides to go ahead and make the deal with Tucker despite screwing her family and friends out of the shares she promised them. She really is a weird old lady. Have you ever noticed how her hands are bright red compared to her face?

Amber cried a lot, as usual, whining about how Deacon is behind Daniel’s gym accident.

Phyllis is out at the dump when Nick shows up to help her. That’s the least he can do for all that Sharon-fucking he did. Soon after he arrives, the Baldwin’s, Kay and Murphy, Noah, Eden, Kevin, Janna, Jack, and all kinds of other people show up to help her dig. Of course Heather shows up to tell them they’re all crazy and wasting their time, which under normal circumstances would be true. However, this is a fucking soap, and miracles happen, because Eden found the gym bag and handed it over to Heather for evidence.

BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE.

Heather claims that the evidence is circumstantial without a phone or something to tie someone else to the murder. Everyone leaves but Phyllis stays behind to look for the missing cell phone. In 30 trillion tons of baby diapers, computer monitors, and plastic chairs, her x-ray vision sees through one particular rubbish mound and goes directly to where the cell phone is! Oh my God! It’s a miracle! AND THAT’S NOT ALL FOLKS! The fucking battery is still charged and the messages from Deacon Sharp are still saved!!!

Well you know what the whore does then? Rather than turning the phone over to police, she goes to Deacon and makes the deal that she won’t submit the phone as evidence if he leaves town and takes Amber with him. What a piece of shit she is. I mean, Amber is really annoying but that’s just evil. Phyllis is a complete dirt bag (and great actress).

Meanwhile Daniel remains and jail and hooks up with his new cellmate, Billy. The relationship is rocky, to say the least. Check in tomorrow to see what more rotten bullshit Phyllis will pull…

Friday, December 11

2009-12-14T20:40:00.008-06:00

Friday’s show begins with Lily, Cane, and Mac talking about this stupid surrogacy shit. I fucking hate Lily and it was my hope the cancer would take her out, but I guess the producers thought drowning Colleen would be better. I always found Colleen to be fairly annoying, but relative to Lily she’s my best friend. Lily does nothing but whine and wear stupid hats, and now Mac is going to assist in helping those genes live on? Boo.

Anyway, Mac goes to the coffee shop and when Billy comes in she gives him the what-for about how he sucks, what an infidel he is, and bla bla bla. Her self-righteous bullshit makes my want to projectile vomit in her face. Wasn’t it Mac that was cheating with a married man…named BILLY? While I don’t think Billy is a stand-up guy, he’s too good for Mac because she’s a boring wanna-be prude. Hey, Mother Teresa: shut your face! Anyway, Mac gets the phone call that she is, in fact pregnant. Gross me out.

Next we have Neil and Kay talking about some Chancellor Industries bullshit. This is boring, and most the time I fast forward through it so I’m not exactly sure what all’s happening. Well, Jill comes in after Neil leaves and goes into gross innuendo about getting boned by the bartender. “Fascinate me”, she wrote on some money, and evidently he did.

Now, this guy who boned her, Tucker McCall, is not a bartender at all but is JT’s “boss”. What’s going on here? It appears JT is stabbing the Newman’s in the back, and I couldn’t be more excited about it. JT’s been needing a pair of nuts every since he’s been on the show and he finally got them.

Victoria runs into Heather at the club. I hate both of these bitches. Heather is the only girl I will ever call the c-word. Anyway, Vicky rambles on about the court hearing and Billy Abbott, and bla bla bla. Billy gets Rafe to defend him, but insists he won’t reveal his source and vows to take them all on. Billy meets Vic in the court room and Vic threatens to make him pay. Puleez. She’s such an empty sack. Billy ends up choosing jail over revealing his source and Victoria sits with a righteous smirk on her face. Isn’t she an ugly girl?

Phyllis is at the hospital where apparently Daniel had an “accident” in the weight room of the prison. Like that’s even believable. I can’t picture him lifting weights. Anyway, my guess is that big creepy conspicuous guy following him around caused this accident. Amber does her usually wounded puppy dog face the whole show, crying annoyingly throughout 82% of it. I truly want to beat her ass for being such a puss. Meanwhile, Phyllis vows to go kick the world’s ass to save her son. She decides to go the city dump and dig through all the shit to find that gym bag thrown in the dumpster by the real killer. Michael begs her not to, citing reasons such as toxic waste, hypodermic needles, bacteria, and just your standard cooty to sway her, but she won’t change her mind. This whole storyline about Daniel and the secret killer makes me want to impale myself on a rusty spoon. I don’t give a shit about this. Moving on.

Kay and Neil meet up with Tucker McCall over this business shit that I haven’t been paying attention to. Why is Neil even on this show? What does he even do besides look sternly and pass judgment? Jill comes in and is stunned to learn Mr. McCall, aka The Bonerator’s, real identity. Kay introduces them and Jill is obviously flustered. He wants 25% of Chancellor Industries, which would shut out Kay’s friends and family. Tucker brags about his track record while Jill cringes, and probably thinks about his penis. When Tucker leaves, Jill freaks out and tells Kay he’s dishonest and a liar. Neil says wait, hold on, let’s not be hasty…this could be a good opportunity. Kay ponders that she made promises to friends and family, but finds Tucker to be intriguing, so she’ll consider the deal. Jill goes to Tucker’s hotel to yell at him but instead they end up DOING IT. After they’re done, he stands looking out the window with a brooding look on his face. Hmm.